Miss you my dear brat...my dear little sister!!!

Okay here is something my sister wrote for me in her letter (her boarding school is like jail and we communicate through snail mail!!)...

"I'll never know of all the things she's done for me

Just the little things

saving me a seat in the bus,

tying my shoelaces, taking the blame.

Now the years have passed. But when she's around I am still the girl without a care in the world.

She is my alibi. My punching bag. My DIDI."

And i had tears in my eyes. Although its an advertisement she copied from the newspaper, I know she means each and every word of it. Oho I miss her so much. At least when she was around I never had to sleep alone at night. We would laugh and cry together. She was always there to hug me, to scream at me, to fight with me. We watched TV together, went mad over Harry Potter books, went shopping to Sarojini market. She always took me to a movie whenever she would succeed in saving some cash. I always bought her trashy novels from whatever I saved.

She can go on talking about nonsensical stuff and she doesn't stop even if you ask her to. And she is the only person who can throw a tantrum when she thinks I am looking prettier than her. She can be very mean when she wants to be but she is SUPER intelligent. I think she is the smartest kid (or adolescent) i know.

I miss her so much. I remember once when we were younger and I had gone off for a school trip, she was watching Tom and Jerry and something funny happened so she turned around thinking I was sitting there and then she remembered I had gone. Poor baby cried for two hours straight. That's how inseparable we were. We spent our summer breaks taking turns on the bicycle, eating Maggi, reading books, going for swimming, watching movies... Or at our grandparent's place (which by the way is almost intolerable without her). I still remember our first big fight when we abused each other and I was surprised to know that she knew the 'F' word.

Our parents are really against physical violence so generally our fights used to be verbal. But whenever I would lose control and slap her, she always hid it from mom because she did not want me to get punished. I always kept her boyfriend secrets and the fact that she has had many more of them compared to mine.

She is coming back on the 13Th and I cant wait see her. I miss her SO much. I wish she'd never gone to that stupid boarding school. I know I don't say it to her but she IS the most precious part of my life. I love her more than anybody in this world and I always will. She is the best-est sister in the entire universe and I am so glad she is mine:)

Goodbye....I am through with you!!

Okay so this is the final decision. I want to be happy. And he is not making me happy. Not even close. So I am through with him. Like the final time now. Irrespective of what happens. Even if he is the last man on the planet!! To all of you who care for me....DON'T LET ME CHANGE MY MIND EVER.... and for those who are near me, stop me the moment I show even a little inclination towards him again. Even if that requires keeping me locked up or taking my phone away from me. I am not going back to him or accepting him again.

This feels like the moment of Revelation. Last night I told him that I don't think he is putting any efforts to make this work, basically not wooing me enough, and that my patience is getting over. I told him that I need to see some amount of effort from his side to bring back the so called 'romance'. I didn't think he understood but at the back of my head I still hoped that he will make some effort. But guess what he did...I just saw that he uploaded his pictures with this girl who I think is his ex girlfriend (the horrible bitch) and he knows that I hate those pictures. So instead of showing me that he actually 'loves' me and all that crap, he did something to repel me. And my god that has worked. I don't understand why he keeps coming back?? But now, I am not going to let him charm me again. Ever. People stop me for my own good if you see me doing that ever again...
God I so not deserve shit like him.

To Ajeeb Insaan- You can go ahead and keep trying to become something that you are not. Go ahead and lose all your small town boy innocence and become a complete laughing stock of everyone around you. From now on, you won't have me backing you either dude. And if you ever really ever happen to read this, take it from me as a warning, don't try to come back...You will fall flat on your face. Trust me you don't want me to humiliate you...

Goodbye.

Whatever!

Okay really lagging behind on assignments. Its driving me mad, this pressure. I don't know what I need to do to get myself to work. And its not only studies. I cannot seem to be able to concentrate in dance either. All I want to do is day-dream, watch TV and sleep. I didn't feel like driving to college in the morning, and that's something to worry about because i love to drive. I don't know where life is taking me. I have these phases when I am happy and ones when I am extremely frustrated. Its irritating because... well I don't really know why.
I feel this hollow inside me these days. Best Fraand says that she doesn't want college to get over because according to her she has not made the most of it yet. I feel it too but I don't know if that is the reason for me being so spaced out these days. It could be the pressure to perform well this year (academically!) but I can't get myself to start studying. I know its also about Ajeeb Insaan somewhere but I don't want to complicate my thoughts right now.

So what is it?
I have stopped working out. I don't enjoy food these days. I got bored during the choreography session yesterday. I slept when I should have been studying. This is not done yaar! I feel that the colours of life are fading away. Nothing is serious enough for me anymore. I am so chilled out about everything. And I know that is because I am scared. I want to believe that I dont care because I am unaware of the future and I am scared of defeat. I cannot imagine where life is taking me. Be it the career or my so called love life. I want to do well in both but I am just not interested enough. Or rather I am just very scared!

I want this phase to get over RIGHT NOW!! I want to be happy again. This could be PMS (post) and I so hope it is... Bleh!!

To you, Ajeeb Insaan. You the weirdest part of my life!!

Okay so what the eff do you want from me?

Why do you keep coming back? And if you cannot live without me and if you love me all that much then why do you go away in the first place?

Let me tell you thing straight. I know I deserve someone better. I know I do. All my friends think so too. You really want to hear their responses? Well you won't be able to take that because it will burst that little bubble around your head.

So here you are again asking me to take you back? And don't we all know I will? But you know what...One day this patience will get over, this 'connection' that overpowers everything right now will fade away, and my so called 'love' for you will dissolve.

Its hard. Trusting you now. But I still cannot say no to you. You know why? Because I really care for you. Oh or is it because you are a ready-made, doggy-trained boyfriend till I find another one (I don't really mean it but yes this thought has crossed my mind)? You said you want to marry me right? Well Best friend will kill you even if you try...Ha! But before that I don't even know if you would want it tomorrow as well...and the day after that. Are my friends correct when they say that you boys can go to any extent to woo a girl? Are you one of those?

Is it true that all that I know of you from the past five years is decieving me? Am I that blind that I still think that you are a nice person at heart? Are all my perceptions about you wrong? Do I suck that bad at judging people?

Or am I right?

You know what? Your indecisiveness now shows on your face. Dance People think that you don't even have a personality compared to mine. And that's only because you don't know anything about yourself yet. You are ignorant and immature. You are still living in those false assumptions of life and depending way too much on others.

I thought I will enjoy this superiority but guess what....all the negatives that I have heard about you since yesterday, have made me very upset. It doesn't make me want to reject you, but it just hurts me because well, I guess I still care for you. I am so used to everyone telling me that we look great together that this time these opinions are killing me.

Will you just make it clear for me. Either make me absolutely fall in love with you again so that these things stop bothering me. Or simply just go. I was happy without you. Yes i have missed you like mad but at least I wasn't confused in my mind. I cannot give you up. but I cannot listen to all these people 'tch'-ing at me either. I don't know what I want, but I definitely need some clarity.

You will have to wait till I make up my mind. You will have to wait...

Disclaimer- Result of an emotional upheaval. I might not mean some of the things that i said. After effect of a rough feedback!

YAY!

Okaay so i realise i cant sit and cry over trivial things !!!

After winning the competition in IIPM last night and hearing all that great stuff (about me) has made it clear to me that NOBODY can take away from me what i have...

I have two years of perspiration and hard work. I have the right to perform on stage and make others dance on my tunes. I have the high of being on stage. I have all those awestruck glances of people in the audience. I have people close to me (and who matter) acknowledging me and my achievements.

I dont care about others anymore because I already have those great friends, who came to rescue the moment they heard what had happened. And after a very nice bitching session, made me feel fantastic about myself. Thanks Pugsie... I will never forget that 12am conversation ever!! And I love the three of you and I know I have you irrespective of what.

Also, Awesome dancer messaged me such nice things after i told her which made me think that I am 'great at what i do' (in her words) and there is no point cribbing over things that two years down the line won't even matter. I learnt a lesson 2 years back and forgot it. This obviously happened because I really needed to be reminded. And I am so glad it happened now.

Concerned people don't even see a fault so I know that there is no point trying to make them understand anyway. I was absolutely normal with them and I didnt care. Initially it was hard but then I got used to it and the best part was that it stopped making a difference to me.

I am fabulous. And those who dont realise it can seriously go and .....

love!

Dont bother...You wont understand!!

Today I have learnt the greatest lesson of life.....
Only Trust Yourself!

Everything that I thought was mine has always been taken away from me, but i have never cringed. Everything that I presumed was true has aways turned out to be false. What stayed with me was my own self. Friends came and went, Love came and went, Respect came and went... but I never left Me!

Randomly surfing through facebook i come across these set of pictures which well...I had no clue existed. I in fact did not even know the day on which they were taken ever happened. What hurts me is my Ignorance. People concerned (and yeah they are in those pictures) were those who I thought liked me and respected me and cared for me. But only now do i realise that they were with me because they had no option. They prefer others (who always doubted my abilities) over me. I thought that it was in their heart, that love, which they did not want to demonstrate but now I know it just was not there. The fact that they did not tell me about this so called 'outing' only proves that I have merely been a part of their lives which they could not avoid. A mere convenience. Not being invited is something that i have never bothered about, its their personal life and they can do what they feel like. What hurts me is the fact that they refused to be present when I invited. And then not tell me about their ventures at all. Am I that far from reality? Was all this a mere delusion?

I thought that I had won this battle and had proved my metal but well guess what, They still won, those who didnt think I was worth it. They took away from me what i treasured the most, my relationship with the ones I cared about. It cant be same after all this. I know I wont keep this grudge. but i will always feel hollow from inside. My mom says that I haven't lost as yet and they are trying to break me and I shouldnt let them. But she doesn't know that they dont need to do much of an effort. They don't care about my existence and I am the one who keeps obsessing. I curse the day when I thought people looked upto me. The fear at the back of my mind has taken shape. It dances in front of my eyes and I cannot escape it.

Second time in these two and a half years I realise that trying to make friends in a professional environment is always a mistake. Not because it hampers your working, but because these friends always manage to hurt you. Thank you for opening my eyes you people concerned. I had forgotten this lesson after the first time I learnt it. I cannot imagine what I did wrong. But I know that it hurts!

I think I am just going to... well not care. That has always helped. The initial shock is over and I think I am through with all this. I know I am over reacting but well i cannot deny the pain.

Serious mind-block.
Especially because of confusion. I think i'm going to explode. I want to fast forward life and want to be 23 and earning good bucks. Or want to pause it to this third year of graduation. I don't want to leave dance yet I cant wait to see the other side of life as well. I want to find someone who cares yet I can't seem to get over the 'hangover' of my past relationship.

I repeat: Serious Mindblock!

BUSY!!!!

Too busy to write. I have two assignments to submit within this week one of which is due tomorrow. And I haven't even started doing it. I havent even read the book so that is going to be a little tough. Sparknotes here i come....

I also met up with Soul Sis and asked her about RO and she doesnt have a very good opinion of him. Atleast one thing is clear that i am only interested in friendship with him because I love talking to him. Here's hoping that he (with his girlfriend) stays happy forever. I won't fool around because a) I am not that kind of a person, and b) I am not that desperate even though I seriously lack men in life.

Today I went to watch Fashion with Pugsie. Typical Madhur Bhandarkar stuff. A little over-rated. But definitely worth a one time watch. A little long but not dragg-y (at least not for me).

LSR (dance competition) is on the 9th. Thats a Sunday. And we need to do quite a bit there as well. A lot of preparation required in fact. I promise a good post once I am through with these two assignments.

So later I guess!!!