Crappy New Year

Okay.

After a lot of contemplation..I write. And only because this is proving to be a very tough time. Emotionally. I am vulnerable to the extent of going crazy. I want to just sit in one corner and cry. I want Pugsie...right now. I want to hug her and blabber nonsensical stuff as i wet her shirt with my tears. I want Froggy to make me laugh. I want Best Fraand to scold me for letting myself go through this. If I were writing in a diary, it would have been wet with my fresh tears.

And the worst part is, that its nothing. Nothing I can express through words. Or put across to people in an articulate manner. And that's why I know I need you three. Because I know you would understand.

Its that horrible thing called realization. You guys know what that feels like right?

Deja vu?? Mujhe bhi. Its one of those miserable times when back in KNC i would sit in chaupal and sob and everyone who saw me would give me a tight hug and say nice things to me. Now no one does that. No one is close enough to make me believe that I have fantastic things in store for me and that I am amazing. That I have lost weight and my eyeliner look pretty. Nobody asks where I bought my kurta from or who gave me my bangles. No one to drag me to a movie, no one to take me for granted. No one who I can take for granted. No one to argue with, no one to ignore, no one to contemplate weird aspects of life with.

Its not just the sudden turn of emotions. Its also a lot of suppressed feelings. The lack of a proper let out. I thought I didn't really need one but now I think I do. Damn it!

It could also be intuition. A feeling that something bad is about to happen. I get that a lot. And it makes me really sad. It does. It gives me sense of helplessness.

I didn't want to write a sad post. In fact I had a brilliant idea for my next post. I remember telling Capricorn boy about it. But this what I end up writing. Hopefully next one will be the nice analytical entry that I had in mind.

PS- Its just a mood swing...hopefully.

the Latest...

Old Songs are ....BEAUTIFUL!!

I miss Best Fraaand.

I miss dancing too...

Capricorn boy is as elusive as ever. But I am getting used to him.

The first boyfriend shows a LOT of interest these days. But I just ignore him and snub him in all the creative ways possible.

Ajeeb Insaan has apparently found a new girl. God bless her. Hopefully the poor thing will fare better than me. Or maybe she will teach him a lesson. Whatsoever that might be, I genuinely feel happy for them.

I attended class today.

I also went to a marketing meeting yesterday. It was awesome how cool that senior marketing executive was. Witty, smart, manipulative. He had me zapped out of words twice. And that doesn't happen often. He has my respect.

Capricorn boy.... He is just the right person to be with these days. This thing between us is perfect. * touch wood*

And what makes it better is the warmth. The way I am so comfortable with him. Its always like it was meant to be.

I miss Froggy and Pugsie.

I am going to hometown for 10 days. Reunion of sorts where extended family from all over the world is coming together. It will be nice...oh who am I kidding? It will be torturous.

Meh.

:)

I am ok....right?

Back from the wedding....

Having mood swings.

Tired+PMS= Irritation

Irritation+lack of attention= Super duper pissed

Urggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Just the person i want to be with is NOT cooperating.

Baaaaah!

College tomorrow.

2 Weeks and then another 10 day long family torture.

Thats not helping my mood darling.

Its this feeling of helpless-ness.

It takes over me when I am moody.

I want people to tell me how bloody fantastic I am....without me asking them to do it.

Sooooooooooooo pissing off!

I should sleep.

Bye!

We walk..... You and me.

And here we are, walking through this busy street. Not holding hands but you grab mine each time I am about to fall. And the best part is that you leave it once I regain my balance, only proving that you understand that I need my independence as well. You take care of me when I need you and you never let me feel as if I am dependant on you. Perfect. No?

And when I get angry, you distract me with the search game that we play. I look for the word all around me while you smile at your own brilliance. And then we fight. We get angry at each other. And like you promised, it never lasts longer than five minutes. We both know that we cannot stay angry with each other for longer than that. Its very satisfying, what we share. Because its just perfect. I want it to be like this always.

Its so easy to tell you everything. So easy to explain things to you. Its amazing how simple it is to be around you. How simple it is to be me.

And the street is crowded, diverting your attention time and again. But you always come back. You are aware of me walking beside you. You look out for me. I wish you knew how important that is for me. I can do what I like because I know you are there to take care of me. I have never had that before. I am a child around you. A child who misbehaves, who doesn't care for the world because she knows that someone is there in case things go wrong.

You are special. Very special. And now, a very important part of my life. You are my partner in crime, my beloved, my support, my favourite boy, my Best friend and much much more than that.

I wish I could ask you to stay.

The downfall is about to start. I know it is. Because the connecting thread is leaving. Life around here won't be the same without him. But I won't accept it ever. Accepting only brings forward the obvious making it more blatant.

But the deal is that I will miss this. The four clan friendship is so much my thing. First the 'Girl Gang' broke up and now the 'Cool Group' is disintegrating. I know that this will last. It will. But it is changing in the physical aspect of things. The so called 'fun' is going away. But that's not the point right. Friendships always are forever. And obviously after good comes bad. After sunshine, there is always a gray day. But whats important is that sunshine always comes back.

What scares me is that the 'connecting thread' was the one who held this together. The loose ends will find it hard to exist without him. Am I one of those loose ends? I don't know if I am. But I know the other two are. And that's scary. Its unimaginable. I know I will be the easiest to cut away only because I am the new-est. I don't see the both of them making an effort to keep it alive. They will sulk in their misery and not talk about it.

And the one moving away will be the most difficult to handle. He will not know each and every detail of each and every second of the other two's life. I am inconsequential because I always was and I like it like this. And I know how to deal with it too. The switch off button is always the most useful thing. The brick wall still exists.

But I can't stop hoping that defense mechanisms won't be required.

Here's a toast then, to the most genuine and the most caring guy I ever met. And who I intend to keep close for as long as I can. Here is a toast to all the wonderful times we spent together which may be less but were worth so much more. Here's to the long talks, the crazy jokes, the irresponsible drinking, the 'boys night out', the cooking and cleaning, the heart to hearts and soul to souls. Here is to the only boy who said that he will marry me if I am single after ten years just because I cook so well. Here is to the new but the very very special bond that I share with him. Here's to Amit.